Family Matters

I want to take our conversation in a different direction with this post, and talk about something that’s been overlooked in many of our conversations – our families. I recently had the joy of spending a week on vacation with my family. We were fortunate that my oldest son’s spring break from college matched up with the spring break for the other kids, so we decided to take advantage of it. What a great week! It was fun just being together. I didn’t completely forget about my church or my consulting work, but I came pretty close.

And in that, I was reminded how much my family matters to me. I’m thankful for each of my kids – God has made each of them very unique, and He has taught me much through them. And I’m deeply thankful for my wife who is an incredible helpmate and companion in every aspect of my life.

The vacation reminded me of a couple of other things as well. It pointed out (again) how easy it is for me to use (and abuse) the “tomorrow” excuse with my family. There are always so many pressing priorities that I often think that quality time with my wife or kids can wait until tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow turns into next week which turns into next month … It reminded me that it’s important for me to refresh my own soul with times of relaxation.

Of course, I’ve been back almost two weeks now, and the refreshment is draining away quickly. But I’m trying to remember my lessons and find a more time for family matters. So after you read this post, turn off your computer, give your spouse a kiss and your kids a hug, and do something fun.

Back in the Game -- Second Chair as Warrior, Finally

Thanks for your patience with us as we have been quite busy these last few weeks.

First, we had a great day in Springfield. Mike and I both walked away enthused and hopeful for the first and second chair leaders that attended the seminar. This was a tremendous experience for me and one that energized my spirit.

Now, for the second chair as warrior take! I hope that you are ready. Go with me to Exodus 17:8-15. It states:

8 The Amalekites came and attacked the Israelites at Rephidim. 9 Moses said to Joshua, "Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands."
10 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.
14 Then the LORD said to Moses, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it, because I will completely blot out the memory of Amalek from under heaven."
15 Moses built an altar and called it The LORD is my Banner.

Wow! Incredible story! But what portion do you identify with the most in the second chair? Isn't it Aaron and Hur? Isn't this one of the key ways that we as second chair leaders can identify with those who serve alongside another to strengthen them and assist them?

But, doesn't faitful exegesis require us to look down in the valley as well? What is down there? What is going on? Who is down there?

A second chair leader, who, in obedience and subordination ,went down into the valley to fight the Amalekites. This man was sent a special message by God, "Write this on a scroll as something to be remembered and make sure that Joshua hears it. . . "?

Joshua, this faithful second chair leader, was slinging the sword in the valley, enforcing and exercising the will of another. He was playing the role of second chair as warrior.

What about you? Have you ever had to enforce or exercise the will of another by, "slinging the sword?" Have you ever found yourself playing the role of warrior?

I have and it has not been a pleasant experience. As a matter of fact, this role as warrior has been the most difficult to play. Frankly, I have never been able to play it without it taking an emotional toll on me.

There are two very distinct times when I have had to play this role. The first time was a few years ago, the second, more recently. In both of these experiences, I finished the task with tears.

One of the things that has helped me is a lesson that I believe that Yahweh wanted Joshua to learn. Simply put, this is a lesson on perspective. Think about it! Joshua was down in the valley, and all he knew was war, swords, sheilds, death, and brutality. He didn't have a mountain top perspecitve. Only Moses, and his servants, fully understood this mountain top perspective and what was taking place up there. Yahweh saw fit to give Joshua a special message to help him know that there was a different scene playing out in a different realm, but at the same time and dealing with the same issue.

You and I must trust this message to Joshua, when, in times of tough assignments, we can only see the war portion of our assignments and we don't understand the higher perspective playing out in a different realm. We must trust that God, in His sovereignty, is going to honor us, even when we carry the load of the tough assignment as warrior.

Lessons Learned from Springfield

Share with others in the Second Chair Community some of the lessons you have learned form the Springfield Second Chair Leaders Conference. Just hit the comment link below, post as an "anonymous" blogger and hit the publish post key. You will be asked for "Word Verification" and just type in the letters you see.

Gasping!

Yes, the frequency of new posts has slowed down quite a bit lately. Frankly, I’ve been gasping for air.

Some of this gasping is self-inflicted. I like to keep my plate full and run as fast as possible. Unfortunately, that doesn’t leave much capacity when the unexpected happens. Preparing materials for a second chair seminar this week, coaching two teams (the curse of overlapping basketball and softball seasons!), and some extra consulting and coaching are causing me to gasp right now.

Some of it is externally-driven. None of us, especially in the second chair, has complete control over our priorities and schedules. In this season, my first chair has become much more involved in the day-to-day and in reshaping priorities for all of the staff, and it’s consuming tremendous amounts of time and energy.

So what do I do in these seasons? I try to be sure and keep my early morning prayer time. In an earlier stage of life, that would have been the first thing to go, but I’ve learned how much I need that time with God. This week I’m giving thanks for a wife and family who extend grace to me when I get too busy for them. And I’m praying for my senior pastor, because God has helped me realize that his current actions are the result of a heavy burden that he is carrying.

I am also being much more careful with my calendar, trying to make time for the truly important things, and postponing those that can wait. When life is busy, I tend to crank up my pace, which has the downside of my being impatient or of people feeling like I have run over them. I’m trying to be careful about this. And in the midst of it all, I’m making sure that there is still some time for the things that help me relax – like watching some of the Winter Olympics or getting out for my regular pick-up basketball game.

I’ve prayed for this second chair community this week, because there’s been a sense that we’re all gasping lately. Likewise, I covet your prayers in this season.

Second Chair as Warrior! Is this Biblical?

I'll give you my take on this later, but I wanted to hear from you all in the Second Chair Community. Do you ever see yourself as the Warrior who is sent into battle to fight the fight for the first chair, to keep them from getting too messy? Give us some of the story, some context, what you learned about yourself, how you felt.

There are some Old Testament Themes in and around this concept. What about in the New Testament Church? Is the Second Chair a place that executes judgment when it comes to church discipline?

I don't have all my thoughts formed around this, and I don't know if I am alone in this thinking. All I know is that over time, I have been given some pretty rough assignments and sometimes I was executing the will of another as part of my role. Don't you just love the second chair?

When your chair cushion is worn out!!!

So here are my thoughts on all that we have been collectively enjoying this week. I believe that we in the second chair community have been hit pretty hard this week, and Sunday isn't even here yet! How about you?

So, what can we do when the chair cushion is worn out? How do we get it fluffy and comfortable again? Is that the right question to ask anyway.

I know this much. We can run to our Father for He knows what we need before we even ask of Him (Mt. 6:8). That is what I am going to do. May God bless you today as you lead from the second chair.

Juggling Balls and Spinning Plates

I had a great phone call today. I have started coaching a high potential second chair leader who is juggling too many balls and spinning too many plates. He is in an environment of expansive growth and his time is in high demand. The problem. . . . . . way too many balls and plates. Such that in a recent staff retreat, the bouncing balls and crashing plates became the focus of the "problems" in the organization. Don't you know he loved going home that night to his wife and expressing to her his frustration.

What happened? The organization grew! He was and is the go to guy so they went to him. Now he is overwhelmed and nearing burn out.

Try another anology-- traffic!

Have you ever been in a traffic jam when you rolled along at 5 miles per hour for twenty minutes? Have you ever thought, "Wow! There must be a bad wreck up there? What could be causing such a back up? I can't wait to see the mangled metal of this one!" To your surprise and disappointment, there was no such wreck. No, the construction crew chose not to post signs about road work and just started narrowing everyone to one lane. Going from three lanes to one in a moments notice isn't all that fun now is it? People get angry, frustrated, and can even get hurt.

This is what can happen if the second chair leader has to have his or her signature on everything. In this type of ministry traffic jam, leaders push initiatives up the line and wait for decisions and approvals. In their waiting, they get tired, angry, even frustrated. The second chair leader feels overwhelmed, under appreciated, and doesn't know how to clear away the bottle neck and traffic jam that is outside of his or her office door.

Sometimes this traffic jam is created by a staff member who isn't pulling their own weight. Other times, it happens because the second chair isn't comfortable giving power away.

My take: Life is too short to have to approve everything. I want to do only that which I can do and empower and inspect that which I am able to delegate and give away. To do this, I have got to be willing to deal with conflict, communicate effectively, and enlist and train other capable people. This too takes time but it will be very rewarding to both the organization and to the people the organization serves. Look for, enlist, train, and use your people. They are your greatest resource!

What do you do to keep the traffic from stacking up too much outside your office door?

Loneliness

The theme of loneliness in the second chair has struck me several times in the last couple of weeks. It was a theme that we sort of stumbled into as we were interviewing different leaders for the book, and I continue to hear it in other conversations.

No doubt about it, the second chair can be a very lonely place to serve. It’s often hard to share frustrations, fears, or even dreams with your first chair, and it may not be appropriate to talk freely with those you supervise or with lay leaders (if you’re on the church staff). So who can you talk to?

I’ve been blessed to share the second chair with someone who is a good friend and a trusted advisor (Roger), but I know that my situation is more the exception than the rule. If you’re not this fortunate, where should you turn? In addition to Roger, I’ve found rich community with many others outside my church. Some are second chair leaders and some are just close friends, but the time with them is a great antidote to loneliness. Is your second chair a lonely place? What are you doing to overcome it?

Listening for the Most Important Things

Have you ever had one of those days in the second chair when all you were doing was jumping from one meeting to the next and dealing with problem after problem? As a result, you might find yourself at the end of a day wondering what contribution you made that day. If this persists, you can find yourself frustrated, burned out, and wandering through a maze of emotion and confusion about how effective you are in ministry.

This can be a difficult place for those of us in the second chair. It can also be a place where we commit to going deeper to see what God might be saying to us. For me, I believe that God wants me to listen more intently for the most important things.

I don't always listen well in my meetings, as I am often thinking about the next meeting, the emails and phone calls that keep hitting my blackberry, and the struggle of balancing the demands of the second chair. In the last week, I have had to reschedule three appointments because my pastor called me into meetings that I had to be attend. This is a struggle, as I don't always get to handle my calendar proactively. Instead, I find myself reacting to get it all done and the pressure to get it all done makes it difficult to listen to what is really being said.

What is really being said is the key component of what second chair leaders in the church must discern. If we miss what is really being said, we can't advise the first chair, coach our subordinates, properly pray for the spiritual needs of those in our congregation, or see the whole picture clearly. The wide gets confused with the deep and the counsel or assitance that we should be able to give loses its potency because we haven't truly identified the issue--the deep spiritual issue.

I must confess, I haven't been hearing the eternal issues as clearly as I should becuase the noise of the temporal screams out at me for attention. So, in a meeting today (no blackberry in attendance) I jotted this thought: So bombared w/the temporal you can't see or hear the spiritual.

Guilty as charged, but thankful for the Grace of my loving Jesus and the still small voice of his Spirit.

Pastor, Boss, and Friend

How about a little more tension in the second chair? Clayton asked me to stick my thoughts out there about the relationship to the first chair and the tension of my boss being my pastor, and my pastor being my boss. More than that, what happens when he is my friend, too?

First, I want to be friends. I am so relational, that friendship is the basis for a good working relationship. So, I work at sharing stories, asking him how he is doing, and making sure that we can enjoy a meal together and talk about how we were shocked that Peyton Manning and his colts lost to the Steelers. But, we don't hang out when we are away from the office.

As pastor, he and his wife have been there for the birth of my two kids, welcomed me to my new home with a plant, celebrated my graduation from seminary with a surprise party, and have visited my wife in the hospital when she had foot surgery. I have been able to share my burdens with him, my failures, and have even wept with him. All of this over eight and a half years.

As boss, wow, he has kicked my butt a time or two! We have had our disagreements, heated discussions, and he has called me on the carpet when I have been insubordinate. We don't always see ministry the same, as he and I are from two different generations. Also, he has given me substantial raises, given me substantial promotions from youth pastor to associate pastor, and has given me the opportunity to co-preach/teach with him every week, as we rotate between our two campuses.

Barry Landrum is a good friend, good boss, and a great pastor. He doesn't always listen to me, doesn't understand some of my ideas, and we frustrate each other at times.

I guess the question is how do I seperate it all or keep it all together with him as my friend, my pastor, and my boss? I hope these concluding thoughts help! I would also love to hear your thoughts on the matter of you and your pastor/boss/friend.

Initially and for the longest time, he was boss! This was our first relationship and it is the easiest relationship to carry out, as I am the follower and he is the leader. In this relationship, he says jump, and I say, how high? If this is where you stay with your first chair, you are in trouble. A BIG key to your success is this relationship and I think it is best when you can work your way through this part of the boss/pastor/friend tension. I say this because if all he or she is is a boss, and all you are is an employee, you are held at arms length. If this is where you sit, you will find yourself frustrated because you won't be able to impact the organization as a whole. Remember the definition of a second chair leader? Someone in a subordinate role whose influence with others adds value to the entire organization. At arms length, you can't add value to him or her and thus you will find it hard to add value to the entire organization.


As relational and opionated as I am, I pushed the friendship thing. He received it as well, and I believe that when he saw potential in me and a desire to work hard, he pushed the friendship thing too. We have fun discussing theology, how he feels about John Piper today, how he will feel about Piper tomorrow, and sharing stories about life and things we find funny. We chase rabbits and joke a lot as a team. This keeps things light, especially when the intensity turns up. I like bringing levity and a little sarcasm to the table when it will lighten things up just a touch.

Through our time together and my life experiences, he has become a great pastor to me and my family. We like his preaching ministry as well. He has done this part of it. He has cared enough about Julee and me that he has come to the hospital to visit us and pray with us. He treats us like anyone else in the congregation, as this is a tremendous strength of my pastor. I too have returned the favor, checking on him when he has had a procedure or two, calling him the night before for prayer, etc.

But I think the best thing that I can say is that I don't seperate these roles and look for weaknesses in how he has or hasn't been my friend, boss, or pastor. I could easily pick him apart for any of these if I wanted to. He could do the same and question my motives if he were insecure or perceived me as a threat.

He is boss/pastor/friend all of the time, and like a smooth luxury car, we are able to shift in and out of these different gears with ease and comfort. This is how it should be and I am grateful to say that it is what I get to experience most of the time.

Yet, I am no fool. This is a relationship, and every relationship is a two way street. So, I must do my part, and I am very proactive about my part, because I have been called to serve him. Servants don't stand around waiting to be told what to do. If you do, I wouldn't call you a servant as much as I would a responder. Servants initiate, anticipate, and seek to assist. So, in my relationship, I anticipate, initiate, and assist as an employee, congregant, and friend. In doing so, I have found it well received and appreciated.

Again, please let me remind you, this takes time. I have been where I am for almost nine years with the same first chair. That is a long time to meet, discuss, listen, and respond. Take your time. Don't be overly critical, and do your part of the relationship to ensure growth.

Sharing Your Leader's Burden

This idea of sharing my leader's burden has been floating around in my mind the last few weeks. We have just gone through a process of evaluating why our numbers have fallen off in our attendance at our two campuses. We are further realizing the need for further spiritual transformation as we feel like our people are not renewed, are entangled in the world, and need to be called to repentance. Much of this evaluation was forced onto us by our pastor, as he called our staff to prayer and laid upon us the burden of this situation.

Like it or not, he laid upon us his burden. Most of the second chair leaders on our team didn't like it at first. They thought his rationale for getting us to this place was misplaced. They didn't identify with his burden and couldn't understand this tension. For me, I completely understood where he was coming from, but didn't completely share his burden, because it wasn't as "alarming" for me as it was for him.

In this process, my team of second chair leaders began to discuss and pray about how we might share his burden. We struggled to fully understand it, and much of the way we approached the understanding was clearly a generational difference. With many younger second chairs following an older first chair, there is often disagreement and misunderstanding. Nevertheless, we began to pray that God would help us to carry his burden.

God did!

As we approached this with this spirit, our leader could see that we genuinely wanted what was best for the church, and we were willing to go with him into battle and deal with whatever it was that needed to be dealt with. This gave him a confidence in our counsel, helped him feel like he was not alone, and gave him a place to rest his burden as he grew weary.

I am reminded here of the story of Moses, Aaron, Hur, and Joshua as Joshua went out to fight the Amelekites (Exodus 17:10-13). It states:

10 So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. 11 As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. 12 When Moses' hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. 13 So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword.

These guys carried Moses' burden. They did this because they were following a leader who had a burden for the safety, health, and survival of Israel. One went into battle, risking his own life, while the other two propped up their first chair before the Lord.

One of the things that God continually impresses upon me is that I don't feel what my first chair leader feels. I am not burdened like my senior leader, because I am not the senior leader. I can't fully grasp or understand the burden. But I can ask the Lord to give me what I need to help carry his burden. And when I do, and when the team does, God is glorified and the first chair is strengthened.

In My Chair or On My Knees

I have a confession – I tend to live as if I believe the cliché, “when the going gets tough, the tough get going.” For me, this means that I confront challenges directly. I assess the situation, determine a solution, roll up my sleeves, and get it done. Honestly, that has served me pretty well in my career, both in business and in the church.

But more and more I find myself asking the question, “Am I leaving room for God, or have I left Him out of this process?” Many years of education, training, and life experience have taught me to rely on myself, and only go to God as a last resort. It’s easy to do this in a second chair role. Many competing demands scream for attention. And they’re usually not saying “Seek God in this” – they just say, “Fix it now!”

For second chair leaders, I believe the best answer is a balancing act in which we do both. God called us to be good stewards of all that He has given us, and that includes our abilities as problem-solvers and gap-fillers. But He also wants us to be dependent on Him, to ask Him for wisdom and for His power to be made perfect in our weakness. So in the future, I hope you’ll find me in my chair AND on my knees.

Wanting your Leader to Fail

Have you ever wanted your leader to fail? This admission was shared with me over dinner Friday night, as a strong, up-and-coming second chair leader sat there frustrated, confused, and uncertain as to what he should do! He said, "Some days, I just wish he would fail. I know that is my flesh, or pride, or whatever, but his incompetency and lack of initiative are keeping us from going anywhere. . . I wish he would fail so that I could get his job and show everyone how it is done!"

Pretty intense! Kind of hard to step around this one, huh? But, isn't he like us all who have been wired to lead from the second chair? In some ways, haven't we all wanted to be the leader who comes to the rescue after our leader fails miserably? Maybe your pride hasn't been that awful, but what about the times that you have hoped that your first chair leader will at least recognize their need for you to bail them out of a situation?

If you were in this guys shoes, as a strong second chair leader of a para-church organization, but were frustrated with the regional guy's leadership, what would you do? Would you bail? Would you confront? How should you handle it?

Maybe you are just like this guy and you too feel frustrated for one reason or another with your first chair. How should you handle it? What next steps should you be taking for your own career path? Which way would you go?